Not sure where I'm going with this. Maybe it's just to get thoughts out of my head. Can't guarantee it'll be appropriate, nice, or interesting. But I can guarantee it'll be honest. I think this is gonna be more of a stream of conscience rather than a "oh look at how cool my life is" kind of thing. I've been really stressed for... well ever... ever since university has been part of the equation, I've been slowly losing my mind. The problem is, is i don't feel like I am as smart as everyone thinks i am. I make dumb decisions. Maybe this is being written far to fucking late and my brain is just melting but this is how I feel on a regular basis. I'm not sure what I love. I hear from all sorts of people. "Do what you love and just friggin DO IT!" I thought I loved science. And I don't doubt that. I love the world and I love how it works. but god DAMNIT i fucking hate doing things I find hard. I do NOT wan't to understand sp3 hybridized orbitals. No way in HELL do I want to spend 10 hours on a god damn essay about "aboriginal writing" I most certainly do not want to make a lab report about the effect of temperature on beet roots and betacyanin. who. gives. a flying. orange. slimy. cornucopia of shits? Because I concede that I do not!
I like music. A lot. It keeps me sane when i should be flinging feces at a white padded wall.
I get jealous quite easily too. I see someone who can make music well. Make music very well. And I immediately am disgusted with my self about how I can't do what they can do. I know I'm really hard on myself and i'm glad I'm humble. That something I don't want to lose. But i'm not sure what it is, but i have zero. no I have less than zero. I have negative drive. When I want something. No matter how much i might want it. if it requires the most minuscule amount of effort i deem it too much. I just don't do it. I give up. This is something that NEEDS TO FUCKING CHANGE! I'm so sick of it. I WANT to learn how to riff, improvise and sightread on piano. I WANT SO MUCH to sing impressively. I WANT TO COOK GOOD FOOD! I WANT to be able to put together a mission. Perhaps the certificate year at rosebud is a good idea. This science shit is way too much meh before it gets to neat... But then again. holy shit am I a good procrastinator. "I have the time to do this. It'll take me maybe 15 minutes to do my prelab. Nah it's fine. I'll leave it until THE FUCKING LAST 2 MINUTES. OK YEAH THAT'S A GREAT IDEA! DO MORE OF THAT EINSTEIN!" My grandparents too. They're driving me insane. I can't handle people who don't see the immediate surroundings the same way I do. "what was that?" "oh you're home!" I think I need to move out. Maybe I need to work for another year. or four. or nine. Figure out what I love. because right now, I'm certain it's not this. My life. is not awesome. North America. The only place where you can write a blog about how shitty you think your life is... I have so much. I 'm paying for internet. I have a car. I have a computer. I have a damn milkshake maker?! This is really just turned into a "hey look at me. pity my disgusting personality"
is that it? Do I simply want people to think less of me?
I think that's what it is.
I don't want you to think of me as smart.
don't you dare call me talented.
shut up about how nice I am
because I can't live up to all of that.
It's too much work.
Yeah, sure. I can do stuff sometimes.
but I'll be damned if my opinions are my own
and I will sooner be shot twice in the scrotum than say that I'm an honest person.
I constantly judge. I don't remember the last time I thought of someone and ONLY thought of their good qualities. I don't think I have a best friend either. No one who truly knows me. only me. Only the person who never shows his face. My parents don't even know me. I lie to them constantly. How late have you been staying up? are you dealing with porn? did you do this thing? did you go to that thing? how did this go?
it's unreal. I don't think I should impose myself on any person. Honestly. If I ever have a wife it will be so far down the road that most people will forget my real name. I'll probably have lied to enough people by then.....................
I'm one of those cynical bastards. I think I'm a pessimist... idk. I like to think i'm easy going. but holy von crapenstein i'm a pretentious asshole...poor dj. I'm always makign him feel inferior. I'll be the reason he kills himself it that ever happens again... disturbed. I'm pretty disturbed as of late. with myself... this isn't helping me either. I'm just bringing myself down. it's 5 in the morning. I need to wake up at friggin 8. Should I even go to sleep at this point? Or should I just try to reset by going to sleep at like 9 tomorrow.... idk anymore...
937 words
I almost wrote my essay right there. It would be entirely GARBAGE but that's what it is. Interesting to see that within the course of about 30 minutes I can get down an entire essay's worth of material. If I had any sort of drive or discipline, I could put that essay together in easily an hour. another two and the edits would be done and finished. I think that's what saturday is. Tomorrow however is going to be Chemistry 261 post lab. Needs to be done by 5 o'clock. *handed in by 5 o'clock. Definitely can be done. But I should also work on some of my Bio "half-lab". Wtf is that about? I should really look it over more closely. I should be doing that for everything. Preparation doesn't take long and it really aids in understanding . WHO THE FUCK AM i ?! waow.
a) Chem 261 post lab
b) Get most of Bio 107 half lab done. Finish in the evening when we get home.
c) maybe pick up some groceries on the way home? Some ingredients for AWESOME!
d) Just write some shit down for the base of the essay. It should have been done a week ago you fucking douche bag moron shit bucket.
e) Pre lab for Chem 102 lab. Do the post lab Saturday morning
*** Saturday is a 10:00 wake up. We get home from Subspace and go straight the hell to sleep. Maybe I should delete a bunch of things off my tool bar? That might work... There. Done. That'll help
Also installed K9 protection... hopefully it doesn't ruin stuff... i should read more. I should play piano more. Alright. Going to try and sleep now for 2.5 hours..... a nap it is! done here. good night?
